


A Picture is Worth a Thousand Love Songs

by JingNI



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Artist Jeno, Inspired by Poetry, M/M, Poet Renjun, bestfiends nomin, bestfriends renle, mute character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-20 05:44:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19987096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JingNI/pseuds/JingNI
Summary: Renjun is an avid fan of the artist Jen. Commissioning a self portrait, he doesn't expect to actually befriend the man by bonding through discussions of life and poetry. Meanwhile, Jeno is an artist who mainly releases his feelings through his works.Prompt: JZ014





	A Picture is Worth a Thousand Love Songs

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! tbh I really have a hard time writing this since I'm not mute. I don't know if I portrayed the mute character in a proper manner. Please tell me how the fic is so that I can learn and revise this fic in the future.

_And I have known the eyes already, known them all—_

_The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,_

_And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,_

_When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,_

_Then how should I begin_

_To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?_

_And how should I presume?_

\- _The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock - T. S. Eliot_

* * *

Username @Smiling_Sunshine, also known as Jen, always has the most stunning artwork in Renjun’s opinion. There is something about his works that catches his eye, whether it be the subtle details, color blending, or just the works portraying the artist’s identity in a way that deeply amazes him. All of his works tell different stories, stories that resonate with him as he admires the artworks over and over again. As an author, he gains his inspiration mostly through their works.

“Come on Renjun ge,” Chenle, his childhood friend, asks with a huff. They’re sitting on the bed looking at the computer screen, scrolling through Jen’s account. “Just book a slot already!”

Recently, the artist is open for commissions. Slots are quickly being claimed, to the point that the post about Jen’s commissions is still gaining hundreds of likes a day.

“I don’t have money,” Renjun says, opting to admire the artist’s work again instead. The sound of the scrolling wheel grates Chenle’s ears as the older man stares at the screen in awe. “He deserves so much, but I’m broke.”

Renjun found out that being a writer, something that he aspired to be during in his teens, wasn’t necessarily a high paying job. In fact, being a writer doesn’t pay the bills, to the point where he has to juggle two part-time jobs along with being a writer in a small publishing house. It isn’t ideal; he learns the hard way, and being optimistic isn’t enough to get him through the day.

“I told you I’m paying for your commission,” Chenle says, crossing his arms as Renjun glares at him. “Let me be the one to pay this time, please.”

“The self-portrait is around $50.”

“$50?” Chenle chuckles, earning an irritated sigh from Renjun. “That’s chicken feet! Just send that form and you’ll get that sweet artwork from your favorite artist.”

“What if I don’t get the slot?” Renjun bites his nails from his free hand as he fills up the form with the other. “Also, if you use this for blackmail, I’ll kill you.”

“Well you aren’t getting that slot if you’re being slow,” Chenle rolls his eyes. “And this is me paying you back because you’re too stubborn not to let me pay the money I owe you.”

Chenle has a point, but in all honesty, Renjun wants to book a commission with his own money. He doesn’t want to burden his friend about this kind of thing, no matter how the other pushes him to accept.

“Oh, I know that face,” Chenle shakes his head, his mouth curving into a disapproving frown. He wags his finger in front of Renjun. “If this is about you feeling bad then you can forget it.”

Chenle slams the table and gives the widest smile he can muster and then points at the screen. It currently shows a recent drawing by Jen. It’s a picture of a purple Crocus flower in bloom, where violet and green are blended to create a vibrant hue. Renjun looks at Chenle, then at the screen, then finally down, staring at his hands that grip the table. He gulps, feeling his palms start to sweat as Chenle’s gaze pierces him. “You want this right? You want a drawing like this?”

He feels Chenle’s face suddenly beside him as he stares at the drawing once more. The younger man whispers softly. “You want Jen to draw you something right? Oh that’s right, it isn’t just something. You want him to draw a portrait of you. You want to see yourself drawn by godly hands, of a man’s works which you treat as royalty, right? For you, this will be the perfect birthday gift.”

Renjun glares at him, but nods.

“Then you shouldn’t waste your time debating about this,” Chenle cups Renjun’s face and gives the older man the most sincere look of support. “Submit that form!”

Renjun hisses, but he doesn’t miss the look of Chenle’s face as his hand presses the Submit button on the form.

* * *

The message from Jen telling him his slot is confirmed is right in front of him, and he can’t help but scream on his pillow. He rolls on his bed, clutching his pillow tightly as the confirmation is vivid in his mind. His heart is racing quickly like a roadrunner. His mouth itching to form words, but he can only gape, not noticing the speech bubble rolling. He only has a few seconds to react when he hears the loud ping of a direct message. When he notices the notification of a Twitter DM in front of him, he slowly clicks the message button, widening his eyes at the person who DM-ed him.

_hello!_

Renjun rubs his eyes, blinking them a few times when another message is sent.

_thank you so much for booking a slot!_

He’s dreaming. This has to be a dream.

_my payment details are in the email I sent you_

_since you opted for a self portrait commission_

_is it okay to ask you to send pictures of yourself?_

Oh. my. god.

Renjun almost tripped while going to his mirror, groaning at his disheveled state. When was the last time he made himself presentable? Oh no, this won’t do! He immediately takes out his comb and fixes his hair, already thinking of various facial expressions to make for his selfies. When he thinks he looks decent (barely he might add, because he knows no picture of him is worthy for someone like Jen), he takes out his phone and proceeds to take selfies.

He really needs to learn how to smile more, he thinks sadly, as he views the selfies he took. Most of them are either serious looking, or him forcing himself to smile like an idiot. Sighing, he dejectedly picks the most decent picture and clicks send.

The response is surprisingly immediate.

_wow! you look so pretty!_

Renjun can’t believe what he’s seeing right now. The prestigious Jen, complimenting his looks? Blasphemy! There’s absolutely no way someone like him will find him pretty. This really has to be a dream, no doubt about it.

_you’re not dreaming!_

_I really find you pretty!_

_beautiful even!_

_this is no blasphemy :(((_

_and did you call me prestigious?_

Wait. He did not just type that and press send. No way.

_you are still sending me your thoughts_

_fuck_

_wait really???_

_yes :)))))_

This is it. This is the most humiliating thing he did in his entire life. He truly is a walking disaster.

_im so sorry jsdhkjasdh_

_im such a walking disaster T.T_

_you aren’t!_

_I just cant believe it_

_I cant believe im talking to you :((((_

_it’s alright :D_

_im happy you like my work!_

Like it? Like is a small word to use to describe his feelings. 

_im a big fan ToT_

_im glad to hear that!_

_so Renjun isn’t it?_

_I’ll send you the finished product in around a month_

_is it okay?_

_it’s perfectly fine!_

_take all the time you need ^w^_

_thank you so much!_

_and it’s nice to meet you :)))_

_nice to meet you too :D_

Renjun continues to stare at the screen, completely baffled. 

* * *

“You’re waiting for him to publish a new book,” Jaemin says, staring at his friend with a concerned look. Pencils, pens, and papers filled with sketches are scattered on the floor, with smudges of paint of various colors coloring the tiles. Jaemin sees his friend drawing on the table. His back is straight. His hand holds the pencil with a firm grip, and his face is serious, with his eyes focused on the canvas. The sound of pencil sketching is steady. “And you’re doing this to buy as many copies as possible.”

His friend grunts then turns to look at him momentarily before going back on his current project.

“You know his second book flopped,” Jaemin says, earning a glare. “Look, I’m just being realistic. You don’t know when he’ll publish a new book.”

His friend puts down his pen and slams his fists on the table with a loud thud, narrowing his eyes sharply. His blond hair and pale complexion only adds to his already cold exterior. He groans in frustration as Jaemin only scoffs at his outburst. “So? He posted that he’ll publish again, but that was two years ago. Surely his publisher cancelled it or something.”

His friend looks down on his lap, gripping the hem of his shirt tightly.

“Jeno,” Jaemin says in a softer tone, giving him a sad smile. He goes towards Jeno and embraces him from behind. Jeno puts his head on Jaemin’s shoulder, staring at his unfinished artwork. “I’m sorry.”

Jeno knows his friend doesn’t mean anything bad. He should know he shouldn’t put hopes on things like this. Still, when his eyes land on a small picture beside his unfinished artwork, showing a selfie of man, he knows he shouldn’t give up. 

* * *

_hey_

Renjun stops typing his latest poem when he hears the message notification sound, sighing heavily. His hands are shaking, his palms are sweating, and he lost count of how many cups of coffee he drank this night. Seeing who messaged him, however, is more than enough to send electricity in his body.

_hello!_

_hope im not disturbing you or anything_

_but im still finishing your artwork_

_it doesn’t have to be anything fancy!_

_just a simple self portrait is enough_

_but i want to give you only the best_

_someone like you_

_definitely deserves it_

Smooth. Jen is so smooth, but Renjun should have expected this. His works are the epitome of grace, after all. 

_well im currently writing_

_and it’s bad_

_woah :o_

_im sure it isnt bad_

_can i take a peek?_

Renjun stares at the piles of papers beside him, circled and crossed out words with vivid red ink. Those aren’t just words and phrases; those are phrases he came up, and papers containing rejection after rejection. Biting his lip, he types on his keyboard louder than usual.

_Sorry but no._

_I’m not comfortable sharing my work._

_it’s okay!_

_i understand!_

_we all have our days like that, no?_

_where we feel ashamed of our works_

Renjun chuckles bitterly. Jen, ashamed of his works? Compared to his trashy ones, even the worst works of Jen are still good. Every work shows Jen’s identity as an artist, something he fails again and again no matter how much he tries to revise his works. 

Maybe he shouldn't be a writer after all.

_so, you’re a writer_

_what do you write?_

_poetry_

_im a poet_

_but not really_

_poetry *o*_

_it’s my favorite genre!_

_who’s your favorite poet?_

Renjun gasps, not expecting someone like Jen to have poetry as his favorite genre. He knows almost no one who likes poetry, and he can’t remember a person in his life who has poetry as their favorite genre. Hearing something like this, it makes him smile.

He gives Jen his answer, and it’s during this night that he and Jen start a bond.

* * *

Jaemin knows there’s something going on with Jeno, and it involves one of his commissioners.

Taking out a book from Jeno’s shelf, he flips through the pages until he stops, pointing at a specific passage. Letting out a breath, he proceeds to recite. 

I wish to be a yellow window  
reflecting the best brightness  
of the rising sun

Jeno raises an eyebrow as he continues to paint, amused. The squelching of paints softens a little. When their eyes meet, Jaemin winks at him playfully. 

the rows of tall maple trees  
garden of sunflowers,  
and nests of yellow birds  
are within your view

The sketching noise stop. The chair squeaks as it slides back, revealing a Jeno who's intently watching on his friend. Jaemin lets out a small huff. Scrunching his face, he delivers the next lines with a shift in tone.

because what can you do  
as someone with wings  
with the will to fly  
to the farthest skies,  
only to be caged  
and wings broken  
with not a single feather left?

“God this is depressing,” Jaemin closes the book, pouting at the sad tone of the poem. Jeno claps loudly, a sly grin on his face. “You like this author, huh? You like to torment yourself with poems of despair?”

Jeno gives a confident nod, dipping his brush into a vibrant yellow can as he resumes painting.

“And who is this?” Jaemin stares at Jeno’s work, holding his chin as he checks out the unfinished work. “He’s very pretty.”

Jeno’s expression sours as his grip on the brush tightens. His brush strokes are more rugged and hasty, the sound of paint squelching increases. Jaemin immediately groans. “What am I supposed to say? He’s ugly? Let me live!”

Jeno glares at Jaemin, making the younger man squirm. Trying to make the atmosphere lighter, Jaemin looks at the various sketches posted on the wall, noticing how they’re all sketches of the same man. Sketches of the man smiling, pouting, jumping in the air, wearing flower crowns-- Jaemin can’t help but be in awe. No matter how unfinished or incomplete Jeno’s sketches are, the way he portrays the man, how his smiles shine, how his eyes twinkle, how he emits an aura he can’t describe, Jaemin knows there’s something in those drawings that only Jeno can do.

“You really do like him, huh?”

Jeno doesn’t respond. Jaemin knows he doesn’t have to.

* * *

_tell me_

_why do you want a self portrait?_

Renjun gulps. He doesn’t expect the question being asked out of the blue.

_uuuuuuuuuh_

_sigh_

_did you just typed the word “sigh”?_

_in this economy?_

_renjun how could you_

_cut me some slack pls_

_it’s embarrassing okay_

_im sure it isnt_

_now tell me_

_ugh_

_it’s a birthday present_

_oh! wonderful!_

_for who?_

_…_

_for myself_

“He’s so disappointed in me,” Renjun mumbles, noticing how Jen hasn’t responded yet. “I’m really a walking disaster! Why am I always sabotaging myself? With my idol no less! Get a grip Ren -” 

_Im honored_

“H-Huh?”

_im so happy_

_i mean this will sound arrogant_

_but im glad you chose me_

_to draw you_

_knowing how you really like my work_

_it feels so nice_

_why wouldn’t I?_

_youre talented!_

_you always draw well!_

_who wouldnt like your works?_

_really?_

_thats a stretch_

_dont you think?_

_because tbh_

_I dont like my works_

Renjun slumps down, blinking to see if he’s reading those words correctly. 

_why?_

_it’s difficult to love your works_

_especially when expectations on you_

_are so high_

_before, posting works online_

_is out of passion_

_but now, it feel more like_

_idk, a chore?_

_i still love drawing,_

_but now youre just sucked into a cycle_

_draw, post, repeat_

_sometimes i cant lift my pencil_

_or stare at the canvas_

_at least people like your works!_

_dont put yourself down like that!_

_im sure people like yours too_

_No, they dont_

_youre lying_

_I’m not._

Renjun doesn’t notice his tears falling as he continues to type, memories of rejections and bad comments filling his mind. Of course Jen doesn’t know how he feels. He doesn’t know what it feels like to be at rock bottom. He doesn’t know what it feels like to disappoint everybody all the time. 

_a book containing my poems_

_was published_

_but everyone hates it_

_well, it’s a good thing no one knows_

_that i wrote those poems_

_since im not even a legit writer_

_im just a ghost writer for some random dude_

_but still_

_reading negative reviews all the time_

_youre lucky people like your works_

_because i never experienced that_

_people liking your works_

_putting your works in a pedestal_

_I wonder how it feels_

_Renjun…_

_Do I dare?_

_Disturb the universe?_

_In a minute there is time_

_for decisions and revisions_

_which a minute will reverse._

Renjun loses the energy to talk, and closes his laptop with a tired sigh.

* * *

_I’m sorry._

It’s the first message he sees as soon as Renjun wakes up. Calmer, he feels ashamed of his behavior, snapping at someone like Jen. Now wide awake, he immediately types an apology.

The response comes in less than a minute.

_You shouldn’t apologize._

_but i should_

_I snapped at you._

_it’s okay_

_im the one who pushed you_

_thinking i know everything_

_believing everything is all sunshine_

_and rainbows_

_dont feel bad about it_

_  
_ _it’s better than believing everything sucks_

 _it’s that why your username is_ _  
_

_@Smiling_Sunshine?_

_yup_

_it came from a poem_

_idk_

_that poem resonated with me_

_describing what i really feel_

_for years_

_im happy you have a sunny view_

_pfft_

_the poem is depressing_

Renjun stares at the screen with wide eyes. Taking a sip of his coffee, he anticipates Jen’s reply.

_you see_

_it’s about the persona_

_wanting to be a window_

_for a broken bird_

_that sounds weird_

_it isnt when you read it_

_because the bird_

_he wants to be free_

_but how can it fly_

_when it cant?_

_so the persona_

_wanting to help the bird_

_becomes a window_

_reflecting the beauty of nature_

_to give comfort to the bird_

_and how does it relate to you?_

_because im both the bird_

_and the window_

_as the bird, i feel trapped_

_which i already told you_

_but im also the window_

_because i dont want to feel trapped_

_I dont want to wallow in despair_

_no matter how hard it is_

_no matter how broken my wings are_

_those wings dont define everything_

_about my life, about myself_

_and as the window_

_I want to show that_ _  
_

_even in the bleakest places_

_there is always something beautiful_

_something positive to look out for_

Renjun puts down his cup, amazed at how positive Jen is. There is something endearing about him that he can’t describe, whether it be his work or him as a person. 

_thats so inspiring_

_I hope i can find my sunshine too_

_hey_

_remember another poem?_

_what poem?_

_There will be time, there will be time_

_To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;_

_There will be time to murder and create,_

_..._

_Time for you and time for me,_

_And time yet for a hundred indecisions,_

_And for a hundred visions and revisions..._

* * *

After chatting with Jen for weeks, Renjun doesn’t notice the month has already changed. He notices Jen replying to him just as when he’s scrapping a poem.

_ive finished your commission!_

Renjun slams the table, gasping loudly. He jumps out of excitement, smiling widely as he lies down and hugs his pillow tightly. Finally! He can have his commission! A commission done by his favorite artist! His heart beats faster, his mind racing to fill his mind of images of Jen’s works, further giving him happiness knowing that he will receive a beautiful work of art. When he finally calms down, he replies to Jen.

_OH MY GOD!!!_

_REALLY???_

_THANK YOU SO MUCH JEN!!!_

_It’s my pleasure._

_and you know my other surprise?_

_what other surprise??? O_O_

_you’ll get your commission for free!!!_

This time, Renjun screams. Finally unable to contain the emotions inside him.

_WTF?!_

_YOU DONT HAVE TO T.T_

_I insist._

_You deserve it Renjun._

_This is my birthday gift to you._

_I dont know what to say…_

_are you sure? dont you need the money?_

_100% sure._

_then let me treat you at least!_

_I opted for meet up remember?_

_Please!_

_…_

_okay._

_But just this once._

_Then you’ll never see me again._

Renjun is puzzled, but not wanting to ruin the moment, he ignores the reply.

_you dont know how much that means to me._

_Thank you so much, Jen._

_It’s my pleasure, Renjun._

* * *

“You agreed to do what?” Jaemin asks, his jaw dropping as his plan of going to the bookstore is stopped. Jeno shoves his hands in his pockets, looking like a child who did something wrong. “Are you sure?”

Jeno crosses his arms over his chest, his face blank. He paces around the room, making Jaemin dizzy at the jittery movements. His shoes tap in staccato, his hand fidgeting uncontrollably. Biting his thumb, Jeno considers his choices, until he stops walking around, his mind full of possibilities and scenarios further tensing his body. Lowering his head, the silence is palpable, even uncomfortable for the both of them. 

When Jaemin is supposed to speak up, Jeno lifts up his head. His expression is still serious, but when he looks at his friend, he gives out a vigorous nod.

“Well, I can’t stop you huh,” Jaemin answers, giving Jeno a worried glance. “You really love this man?”

This time, the response is immediate.

* * *

“Chenle!”

“Jaemin hyung!” 

The two friends run towards each other until they’re close enough to hug briefly. When they let go, Jaemin asks him. “What are you doing here?”

“Buying books for my friend. You?” They go inside the bookstore, basking at the sight of books in front of them. While Chenle is skimming some books, Jaemin shrugs. 

“You’re still searching for copies of that poetry book?”

Jaemin nods. He rubs his head as he looks at every book in the poetry section. “I swear my friend already bought hundreds of copies. Finding a book published two years ago that isn’t reprinted is torture!”

“I can feel you hyung.” Chenle says, nodding with sympathy. When Jaemin finds nothing, he lets out an exasperated sigh. Scratching his head, he goes to the next aisle, with Chenle following with a cheerful smile.

“He doesn’t believe me when I tell him that his favorite author is lambasted for being a terrible writer!” Jaemin hissed, narrowing his eyes on the books in front of him. “Wait, not exactly, since the writer isn’t even writing his own poems.”

Chenle looks at him in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I heard from some of my friends in that publishing house that someone is ghostwriting his poems,” Jaemin whispers. Crestfallen, he goes to the next aisle, knowing he has little success like last time. “The publishing house themselves know that the writer can’t write at all, so they tried to save him by ghostwriting his poems. But rumors spread about it so the writer became infamous.”

“Is is true?” 

“Probably,” Jaemin says with certainty. “Everyone noticed the shift in style and let me tell you, that ghost writer can write better poems! My friend isn’t even a fan of the first book but the second one, the one I’m trying to find for weeks? Top notch quality. It’s why my friend wants to buy as many copies as possible!”

Chenle stares at the ceiling, finding the story a bit familiar. Pursing his lips, he feels there’s more to the story that he knows, but decides not to ponder at the thought when he sees the book he’s been looking for.

* * *

This is it. Today is the day he’ll finally meet Jen.

Renjun knows he looks awkward sitting alone in a corner of a cafe. Sipping his coffee, he looks at the people around him, taking notice of the yellow interior of the cafe. The cafe is decorated with pictures of withered trees, giving the cafe a somber atmosphere. 

His phone vibrates, revealing a text that Jen is almost here. Why is he nervous? Is this the feeling of finally meeting your idol? Is this the feeling of meeting one of your inspirations? Shaking his head, Renjun tries to calm down, taking deep breaths as he waits for the man to come.

Another message is sent. Renjun almost drops his phone out of shock.

_I’m here._

Renjun scans the building, until he sees a man slowly approaching him. A blonde man wearing yellow clothes is walking towards him, holding something big and rectangular. When their eyes meet, a sense of recognition washes over him, and he can’t turn away.

For the first time, drowning from a man’s stare feels kind of nice. Jen’s eyes feel like he’s at home.

Jen sits across him. He smiles, his eyes smiling along with his lips. Is this what an angel’s smile looks like? Renjun can’t help but blush. Before he can greet him, Jen wags his finger at him. Renjun looks at him in confusion.

Jen presents the rectangular thing he’s holding. Taking off the protecting wrap carefully, he slowly unravels what’s inside. The shiny gold frame immediately comes into view, but it isn’t until the wrapper is fully removed that Renjun almost breaks into tears.

The first thing he truly notices is the perfect blending of colors. The shading of his skin is perfect. The yellow colors of the flowers on his crown is balanced with enough vibrance and saturation. The details of his hair are distinct, almost a carbon copy of his own hair. His face is the most breathtaking. He’s actually smiling genuinely, something he hasn’t done for who knows how long. His eyes look happy, lacking the gloom his actual eyes currently have. 

Seeing a portrait of himself shouldn’t break him. In fact, he should be used to seeing his face every day. But how can Jen draw him in a way that makes him remember the times he’s full of joy? How can he capture his exact face at those moments?

He doesn’t notice tears falling from his face until Jen lends him a handkerchief. Jen looks at him with worried eyes. Renjun shakes his head, giving him a tearful smile.

“Thank you,” Renjun says, his voice on the verge of cracking. “Thank you so much.”

Jeno silently nods. Noticing the silence ever since Jen came, Renjun can’t help but break the ice, seeing they haven’t properly introduced each other. He extends his hand towards him. “Sorry for breaking down without even properly introducing myself. I’m Renjun.”

Jen looks at Renjun’s hand. Slowly, he extends his own. He then opens his mouth and - 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I want to write this longer but my braincell can only handle so much huhu
> 
> thank you so much for reading ^___^)b


End file.
